Bernard's Day Off
by Sparkler Girl
Summary: What would happen if Bernard took a day off sick? Manny would be in charge of course! Follow the long and winding road of Bernards' devious attempts of getting his shop back as Fran tries to help things along by going on a dangerous mission to the chemist
1. Bernard's day off

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except the plot. Characters belong to creators of 'Black Books' Channel 4

I just want to say thank you to everyone who reviewed my first fanfic (which was also Black Books), they really made my day! :D Sorry I have not been writing since, I've been really busy with college work! But it's summer and I'm back on track...

Chapter 1 –

It is a lovely summers day; the street is full with enthusiastic shoppers enjoying the sunshine, smiling faces greet each other and the interior of 'Black Books' is no different.

Except for the angry man at the desk. His lanky jet black fringe dances over his eyes as he stares transfixed at a computer screen while pushing random buttons on the keyboard. Bernard Black looks in concentration at a green canvas with little playing cards lined up in front of him like soldiers awaiting his next instructions. For the last twenty minutes he's been trying to work out how to make anything else happen.

'MANNY!' He shouts from his desk, not looking away from the seemingly innocent playing cards and at least four people jump out of their skins in the shop.

Manny Bianco comes out from behind a bookshelf with a price gun and wonders over. 'For the last time, Bernard the customers don't-'

'Shut up and tell me how to work this blasted thing!' Bernard snaps, frustrated. Manny leans in close and immediately feels the heat coming out of his master's red ears. He looks in concentration also, for a few seconds before he says, 'well my best bet is that the two of spades should go on that three of hearts for a start…'

'What?' Bernard hammers the keyboard with his fist, 'Manny I bought this stupid piece of trash under your imperative advise and look where it's got us! I only wanted to check up my mail on 'GotMail'!'

'Hotmail.' Manny corrects, 'Bernard…here…' Manny attempts to take the mouse off Bernard with difficulty as they wrestle with it. 'Don't be such a baby! Give it!' He jerks it away and the price gun falls onto Bernard's head. Manny looks fearful, 'Oh My God! I'm so sorry Bernard, I didn't mean…'

He is lost for words when two cold hands grab his neck and the two men fight for victory over control of the mouse – while the customers stare.

Bernard yanks Manny's beard and claims a devious grin but then the grin turns into a look of horror and he sneezes.

'Bless you!' Manny wheezes.

'Thank you!' Bernard shakes his head, still with one hand around his neck.

Minutes later, Manny manages to calm him down and shows him the route to accessing his emails. 'There you go! Piece of cake!' He grins with delight.

'It's so complicated!

'No it's not!'

'Of course it is. I don't like it.' Bernard sums up on the spot. 'It's ridiculous, it's idiotic, it's-'

'Saving time and money!' Manny snaps.

Bernard pauses and sneezes again.

'Are you alright Bernard?' Manny looks at him, a tad worried.

'No, I mean yes – I'm fine. It's just my way of telling you how disgusted I am that stupid people would invent such absurd creations…' He holds in another sneeze, squinting his eyes tightly shut.

Manny blinks with uncertainty. 'Really? Mostly it's just a way of people telling someone that they are catching a cold. But you really like to make a show of things don't you?' He grins, folding his arms.

'I'm not trying to make a show…I'm Beatrix Potter as it is with my talking animals…' he waves at Manny, 'and…ACHOO!' His head flies forward and smashes on the keyboard. He gurgles his next annoyance of the world.

Manny grabs hold of his head and swings him upright, Bernard's eyes fazed and bloodshot. 'My God, you are sick Bernard!' Manny says, looking closely into his patient's mouth, nose and eyeballs.

'Ghmahergaga…!' Bernard wails as Manny rolls his head round from side to side to the amusement of many customers behind him. 'Magny…Ganny…MANNY!' Bernard yells in frustration, sending spit flying everywhere. He flaps his arms in Manny's face similar to a child at the doctor's surgery who refuses to have a needle stuck in his arm.

'Bernard, there's no doubt about it. You are sick and you are going straight to bed!' Manny sighs, rubbing his forehead.

Bernard shrieks and gets up, runs into the heart of the shop among the bookcases and hides behind an old man reading the back cover of a mystery novel. 'Shhhh!' Bernard whispers at the man who frowns, creasing his wrinkles even more. 'I say, what is the meaning of this? I'm browsing here, Sir!'

'Yes, whatever! Browse all you like…just let me hide in your tweed jacket!' Bernard pulls the material down over his head and clutches the old man's legs.

'What are you doing? What service is this?' The old man pulls away his coat and disappears.

'No!' Bernard begs, wanting to claw at the lovely tweed disguise, but grabs thin air as the man moves hastily away, falling over in the process. He coughs up two hundred year old dust from the mangy carpet and comes face to face with a beard.

'Argh no!' Bernard's face scrunches up in deep despair, knowing he has failed to escape.

'Come on, Bernard. Don't make a scene!' Manny's voice echoes around him as he feels his arms being lifted and helped to his feet.

The room is blurred and everything defies gravity, Bernard feels light and wants to float around the room like a ghost.

Manny helps him up the stairs and into bed. 'Will this be alright Bernard? Sorry that I didn't lay the bear traps under the bed this morning. Oh and sorry I didn't get that yogurt stain out of the lampshade…I don't think it's dripping anymore. Oh and sorry you don't have any pillows, but there's some planks of wood that was lying around on the staircase I thought could be useful.'

He throws Bernard on the bed carefully and hears shrieks of pain. While Bernard is moaning Manny pauses and folds his arms, trying to think of something that he may have forgot to tell Bernard today. The groaning continues but he's remembered. 'Oh yeah, and Bernard…I emptied my ant farm this morning to clean and thought they would be happy crawling around in your mattress with your lice friends! Is that alright?'

Bernard sits up, covered in bites on his face. Manny's body goes numb and his face goes as white as the pus dribbling out of Bernard's skin. 'Oh right, _now_ that I think about it, those might have been the poison ants…'


	2. Sickness is not an option

Manny paces the floor in the Black Books shop with arms resting behind his back, a concentrated frown on his face

Manny paces the floor in the Black Books shop with arms resting behind his back, a concentrated frown on his face. The door opens quick as lightening and a blur of Fran races into the shop. 'Is he alright? Where is he? God, I need a fag!' She spurs out, heaving in and out as she speaks.

'Yes, he's alright Fran. Did you bring the supplies?' Manny grabs her arms to stop her from falling from exhaustion.

'Oh yes,' she brushes Manny off her so she could light a cigarette. 'I've just been out to get them,' she blows out a cloud of smoke happily. 'I think we're in good hands!' She adds convincingly.

'Excellent! Come on up-' Manny waves his arm upstairs and Fran follows his gaze while sucking on her cigarette; she is prepared.

They reach Bernard's room, a space of resolute dingy mess and a breeding ground for bacteria. There is complete silence as the pair cross the threshold and Manny switches on the light switch, creating an even more unpleasant sight. Bernard's shape under the bed covers twitches and groans, Fran immediately moves over to his side and fiddles under the covers for his hand.

'Okay Bernard, it's Fran. I heard you were sick but I'm here now, I have everything you need to feel better! Don't you worry!'

A grumble.

'Yes, I know you are scared, we all are! But sometimes we need to take the plunge and this has to be done.'

Manny takes the covers off, where they see a very demented looking Mr Black. His eyes roll in every direction and his tongue hangs out like a beached whale.

'Now then,' she says in her most delicately sweet voice, 'I am going to take your hand and I am going to assert this mess once and for all!' She strokes his sweaty palm as Manny looks on with a worried expression. 'Fran, actually, I don't think this is the best plan…what if it turns out for the worst?'

'We can't guarantee anything, Manny…but we have to know the truth!' Fran whips round dramatically to face him. 'This is Bernard we're talking about! Of course we have to do this…for the sake of him, for the sake of us!' She closes her eyes, breathes in and continues to stroke his hand.

After five minutes she makes her conclusions. 'Oh, Bernard…you poor thing!'

'What?' Manny squeaks, gnawing on a lollipop stick between his teeth.

'It's really bad…'

'What do they read?'

'Five years to live, broken lung, divorced three times, two kids…and-'

'Ah for God's SAKE!' Bernard suddenly moans loudly, 'I've been lying here for ages and the best you can do is read my _lifespan_?? I need a professional, Manny, not some whimsy hippy telling me what I already know!' He fumes with distaste at the both of them.

Fran is taken aback and stands up, throwing his hand back harshly. 'It works 43 of the time, Bernard, I was just trying to help!'

'Well don't help me!' Bernard rolls over.'

'It was worth a try!' Manny shrugs. 'Sorry, Fran. Hey, can you run down to the chemist and get us some medicine for him?'

Fran thinks about this and agrees. 'Do you know what, that's a really good suggestion. Why didn't we think of that before?' She laughs at herself.

Manny joins in, 'yeah, what idiots we are!'

Fran hops onto the bus and takes an empty seat next to the window. As the bus rolls away, she looks around and a scruffy looking man next to her gives her a grin, showing yellow teeth. She awkwardly smiles back and looks away, still feeling his stare grind into the back of her head.

Meanwhile, Manny prepares to run the shop by himself and sits patiently behind the desk, grinning. _How lovely, no Bernard…no noise…just pleasant bliss_! But then something happened that made his heart stop. Scruffling, no, _breathing_ – yes! Quiet, hoarse breathing getting closer and closer…Oh no, no, no! Manny scampers up and checks the kitchen – no one there. The stairs – no one there! Manny relaxes and returns to the shop.

'Argh!' He squeals, nearly colliding with Bernard who was standing in the door way to the shop.

'What are you doing?' He whispers, his throat unable to take the strain of talking.

'I'm running the shop, ok Bernard? You're sick now get back into bed!'

'I'm not going anywhere…' He slowly steps forward and Manny reacts by stepping back, quivering. 'Let me get this straight,' he continues to whisper with a harsh stare, 'you expect me to believe that I am under a serious enough threat to discontinue my service at _my_ shop? In _my_ home? In _my_ position?' He stops dead, Manny back tracking into the kitchen table. 'I knew you were a lousy piece of life wrecking scum!'

'No, no Bernard you have it all wrong, look at yourself in the mirror! Your eyes…just look at them!'

'What? Is this a trick? A trick which the bearded gargoyle will place on me to get rid of my service?'

Manny frowns and slaps him around the face. Bernard comes out of his trance and blinks, 'erm…what was I doing? Manny why am I out of bed? And why are you here?' He shuffles back upstairs calling, 'shouldn't you be running the shop?'

Manny puts his hand over his heart and sighs deeply. 'Oh my God! I need a drink!' He opens the fridge where there should have been three bottles of red wine left. It was empty.

'Huh? He looks behind the piece of cheese and shuts the door. 'What happened there?'

On the bus, Fran looks outside, refusing to look back at that weird, poor looking man. Her curiosity gets the better of her and she turns around. The man is still staring with that freaky grin. 'Look I'm not interested, all right? I don't go for the diseased and homeless type. I am a strict professional, I have my boundries!' She snaps at him. The man continues to stare and she curses under her breath. 'Leave me alone, alright? Speak de English? You are not coming anywhere near me in a million years!' She turns away and heaves her shoulders, praying for the chemist to loom into sight.

Manny runs up the stairs to check on Bernard and walks into the room as he's about to take a glass of wine. 'Bernard! You can't drink while you're ill!'

'Oh, who said, **Mahatma Gandhi**? It's good for the heart.' Manny snatches it away, 'I'm annoyed at your disrespect for what I say! I'm trying to help you here…' 'Oh I'm sorry nursey – I'll be a better patient next time,' he snaps sarcastically. 'Now get me my cigarettes.' 'Er that's an all time no!' Manny snaps back, clearing away the three (empty) wine bottles on his bedside table. 'What am I supposed to do for fun up here?' 'You can read a book, watch telly…do a crossword.' Bernard pauses and laughs heartedly. 'That's a good one, Manny! I mean, I'm alright reading a book, fair enough, but you're making me sound like a pensioner in my own home!' The argument continues until Bernard throws a glass at Manny's head and the two refuse to talk to each other. So that's the second chapter up. I don't think it's as good as the first one – the third will be up soon! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Amy x 


	3. Lord of the worms

'Yes, we have Carroll,' Manny muttered at the desk as an aged customer stood impatiently over him

'Yes, we have Carroll,' Manny muttered at the desk as an aged customer stood impatiently over him.

'Please can you go a little bit faster? My train comes this century you know.' The punter sighed, looking at his wristwatch.

Manny looked up from the computer screen, a plaster having been placed on his left eyebrow where the glass had attacked him earlier, sending a trickle of blood leaking out the side of his head. 'Yes, you've said. Plenty of times.' He gritted his teeth, sighing and looking back at the computer.

'Oh!' He slammed his hand on the monitor. 'It was working fine this morning! Why isn't it letting me into the program?'

The customer became angry, 'right that's it. I can't wait here any longer! Good day to you Sir!' He slouched away, opening the door and slamming it shut.

'I just don't understand it-' Manny sighed, missing the complaint. 'What could have happened?'

'You happened,' Bernard's harsh Irish tone swept into the room. His lank figure came stomping into the shop, covered by a moth eaten blanket wrapped around his shoulders. 'I told you that computer was a shambles! Didn't I say we should have gone for the abacus? Hmm? But no. You said we needed something of worth. Something of expounding excellence because you have knowledge in this field of strawberry yoghurt technology.' His voice rose higher and higher in his demented state, waving his body round like a drunken robot.

'You have a virus!'

'Yes. I have a virus Manny. Thank you very much for paying attention to me at last.' He comes closer to Manny's face, his eyes grinding into the back of his head while Manny stares at the computer screen. 'Hot as a chick in a bikini suit but cold as an Alaskan salmon. That's me! That's the crazy horse that's going to bite your shoulder…'

'No Bernard. Shut up a minute – the computer has a virus! That's why this program's been deleted! Oh, of course. You opened up your emails yesterday and one of them must have been carrying a virus!' Manny claps his hands. 'That's it!'

'What's it?' Bernard moans, crouched over Manny, staring at the hairy beard that is making him feel more likely to vomit then usual.

Manny pauses impatiently and points at the screen. 'Can you remember what emails you opened this morning?'

'Erm…' Bernard shuts his eyes hard, trying to remember. 'There was four…something about Green Peace – which I deleted without reading, so I don't think the Elephant man is responsible for this.' He thinks harder, 'an offer from 'Apple', a letter from my mother about attending my second cousin's funeral, I deleted that one…and there was one about getting free wine for a year if I sent someone my contact details.'

Manny looks up at him, 'did you delete that one?'

'No why should I? It seemed reasonable enough. It said it would get here in a week. Yey!' He looks to the ceiling, thanking the Lord.

Manny puts his head in his hands and groans. 'Bernard you opened up a worm virus! You completely wrecked the system! Everything's gone! No wonder the computer crashes every time I get halfway through a game of minesweeper!'

Bernard blinks, rubs his head as all the information sweeps through his pounding brain and comes to a conclusion. 'So what you're saying is…my own mother is a possible computer homicidal maniac?'

'No Bernard. It was on the news this afternoon, a virus containing free alcohol to hotmail accounts…it's one of the biggest this country has seen!' Manny stares hopelessly at the screen. Bernard shrugs and is about to go upstairs to bed but stops, 'so you are absolutely _certain _it isn't my mother behind it all?'

'Yes Bernard, I'm certain!' Manny collapses his head on the desk.

'Just checking,' he eyes Manny suspiciously and makes his way upstairs. 'She can be a sneaky little rat sometimes, I wouldn't be surprised if it was her…'

'Go to bed Bernard!' Manny snaps.

Fran reaches for the bell to stop the bus, but the weird yellow toothed man beats her to it. She gulps and pulls her hand away quickly, avoiding contact with him. The bus stops and the man and two pensioners get out, Fran runs off behind them and shoots for the chemist across the road. She enters the shop and sighs happily. Thank God for that! She strolls over to the counter and asks for some cough medicine and paracetamol. The young male nods and goes round the back to get what she asked for. Fran turns round and next to her is the man from the bus. Her heart rate goes up and she hops from one leg to the other. _Hurry up! Hurry up! _she begs.

'Helllllooooo!' The man says a bit too loudly, showing all his yellow teeth.

'Erm, yeah hello, please can you move a way a little bit from me – I can feel your breath on my neck!'

'Oh, sorry. What's your name?' He gushes out quickly.

Fran tries to stop shaking and replies, 'None of your business!'

'My name is Andrew…Cocker.'

'Yes you are!' Fran snaps, rolling her eyes.

'What?'

'Nothing…' She spies the chemist coming back and has two labelled bags in each hand.

'Ah! Mr Cocker, we were expecting you five minutes ago for your medicine, I just thought I'd bring it out ready to give to you. I know you're a busy man,' he smiles. 'Miss Fran Katzenjammer, I have your medicine in this bag for you…' he holds out the bag in his left hand and Fran snatches it away, pays for it and quickly runs out of the shop.

Bernard lies alone once again in his bed, just recovering from a freezing epidemic. Now his body was hot all over and he wanted to strip down to get cool. He wanted a bath. 'Manny!' He shouts. No reply. _I can't believe that little annoying gerbil is in charge of this place! _He thinks, while staring at the yogurt stained lampshade above him. _I know he's responsible for my illness. I just have to prove it. _His eyes bulge as he thinks of an idea. _When did this all start happening? When he bought that computer! Aha! I've got him now. _He grins manically, _he and that computer are up to no good. They are plotting against me. They want to overthrow me and claim the throne for themselves! The lame excuse of the internet virus didn't fool me! But what if…_he thinks about the possibility of a computer virus that can leap onto a person. _People get worms…I could have worms! Gasp! I have worms and it's all because of that sinister contraption! _

Bernard throws himself upright and looks around the room. 'I need to arm myself!' He gets out of bed and grabs hold of a handy mallet next to the bedside table.

Fran races back to Black Books armed with her medicine.

Manny closes the shop for the day and cleans up the shelves. Bernard watches him through the curtain, a look of menace on his face. He glides through them like a bird of prey, heading for the computer on the desk. He lifts his arm holding the mallet and is ready to let it drop – big time.

Thank you for reading the third chapter, the next one will be up soon! Amy x


	4. Failure to Connect

Chapter 4 – Fran gets back with wrong bag and they both stick it down his throat

_BAM! _Fran has burst through the front door like a bullet but stops dead, her eyes journey up Bernard's arm up to the mallet then they travel down to Manny's head, who, a few seconds ago, would have been blugered to death by his insane boss. Both men were now looking up in the direction of Fran, totally different expressions covering their faces.

Bernard had a look of corruption, of annoyance and Manny's smile had collapsed and was replaced by shock horror.

'Okay Bernard…' Fran steadied herself, her heart rate on a marathon, 'put the mallet down and move away from poor Manny.' She was calm, resolute and beckoning Bernard over with her fingers, shaking slightly. Bernard put the mallet down and stepped back, breathing heavily.

'But he was gonna kill me!' Bernard said.

"What?!" Fran and Manny said in unison, staring at him with confusion.

Bernard made quick mental movements with his head as though he was having a spasm. 'Well, he – the computer! I have a virus!'

'I'm sure he's trying to talk,' Manny frowns, 'must be the salmon I've been feeding him!'

'You fed me no salmon you little spineless traitor!' Bernard yelled, backing into the desk, knocking the computer slightly.

'You had it for your dinner, remember?' Manny said, throwing his arms out. Fran meanwhile is trying to control the shaking Bernard. He shook her off, waving the mallet into her face and she backs off.

'I had chips! In a sandwich!'

Manny threw his hands up to his face and Bernard rolled his eyes around, grinning. 'Aha! See! He knows I can beat him…with this mallet I will finish the job Fran! Together you and I can be free of this filth. I should have thought of this a long time ago!'

'NOW!' Fran grabs Bernard's right arm, controlling the mallet and Manny rushes to catch the weapon.

'What is this? Mutiny! Treachery! Help!' Bernard screeches but it's no use. Together, Fran and Manny open up the medicine and force it down his throat, silencing him.

Bernard wakes up, in a daze. Everything in his vision is blurred, swimming around in his brain. As his image comes into sharp focus, he realises straight away that he is in a hospital bed. He was wearing striped pyjamas and next to him – ho ho! – next to him sat two very guilty looking people indeed.

Fran was nearest, her eyes showing how tired she looked. Manny's expression was of horror – perhaps he was scared of what Bernard would do to him.

'What happened?' Bernard sighed.

'Yes, we er…' Fran started but Manny started crying and threw himself onto his bed, arms over his hair.

'It was the wrong medicine! Fran brought home something very bad indeed…Mr Cocker's prescription!'

Bernard still didn't know what the hell was going on. 'So?'

'It was for malaria. The effects of the medicine on someone who doesn't have it is devastating…sorry Bernard!' Fran said guiltily.

'So how long have I been in here?' Bernard asked, annoyed.

'Two days,' she replied. 'we called the chemist but Mr Cocker had followed me here,' she paused quickly and said, 'the little stalker! Anyway, he said he could help…we tried to find something on the internet while you were having a spasm on the floor. But obviously it had a worm virus so it made it all worse. When Manny disconnected the phone line, you sort of fainted. It's like you and the computer have a bond.'

Bernard rolled his eyes which made his head hurt and Manny continued to sob into his sheets. Bernard started to chuckle, 'so you think the computer and I have a _bond_? What a load of tosh!'

Deep down Fran knew he was right. The mystery of the case was never solved.

Until that night.

Bernard was checked out and when he entered his shop, switching on the lights the first thing he did was sit at his desk and breath a huge sigh of relief. 'Manny, Fran, never let me leave my desk again! It's where I belong, it's my home, now run along and fetch me my cheese…and a glass of red!'

Manny beamed, glad to have the old Bernard back. Fran looked at the computer and grinned. 'We're going to take it back tomorrow, you should be happy! We're getting that abacus you've always wanted!'

Bernard shouted, 'shut up!'

Fran sighed at his stupidity, 'honestly Bernard. Why do you have a fear of computers?'

'Because the other day I was passing 'PC World' checking out some radios where a serviceman sneezed all over me. It was completely disgusting!' He got up to get his own wine. 'I mean honestly, I could have caught a cold!'

After Bernard left the room, Fran and Manny looked at each other.

'Do you think he remembers any of it?'

'Not a thing,' Manny grinned happily.

Ok, sorry it took me like two months to get the new chapter up! I was really busy this summer! Hope you enjoyed it!


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